Sunday, July 10, 2005
Freedom for Kiri
Who else has control of your destiny, but you?
Who else can release your superstitions, but you?
Why is it we shy away from risks, especially since the reward would be worthwhile?
Why do we let fear be the judge of the courses of action we take in life?
I am afraid, and I am saddned. I have let fear, superstitions and insecurities rule for too long, and its about time, I release them. All I want, is to live a life without the painful grasps, that they can evoke, and at the same time, I was still ruled by them. Makes no sense, does it. I have let go some of the most significant things and people because of fear, and am learning the loss as a result. The pain, so swift, so piercing, not realising the unsoundness of my decisions, of my rationalisations. Why do we try to rationalise with our heads, and not our hearts?
Is it for fear of being hurt? Of course. But the sad reminder, is that one can't chart a course for life, planning to circumvent hurt, if it comes, it will come, and if it doesn't, deem yourself lucky and keep living. Don't get lost in wondering why. Rejoice. ..you escaped it!
I had planned from earlier on in life, not to bow in reverence to Fate. Not to give up, and just accept life's consequences, to instead , forge my own reality, my own fate, my own destiny. But the fear of failure, still haunted, eventually, I will have to let that go too.
I have to make myself belive that , happiness, is not only reserved for the heroes and heroines in novels, but can be an attainable reality, for anyone. I am not being overly optimistic, but for too long, I believed, I wasn't worthy of happiness, why, who knows, maybe my insecurities were too all-consuming. I do blame an early relationship, on how I feel about myself, even though it was a zillion years ago. Even though, the person, was and is, in no way, attached to me anymore, I still believe that part of myself, is embedded in the pain that I endured then. That I grew into my own woman from it, and unfortunatlely remained shackled to the self-doubt and hatred I had at myself, for subjecting myself to that.
It wasn't my fault, he was abusive, and I was too young, and vulnerable and someone, he, took advantage of that. I am human, and that in itself, makes me worthy of life, and living it. I guess I have to forgive, to release the shackles of doubt, and fear. Fear that no one would find me worthwhile. He used to tell me I wasn't worthy of others, and I belived him. But I am. God loves me, my parents love me, and friends love me. That is enough knowledge to be worthy, and let go of that fear, and to forgive. I am not forgiving what he did or said or how he treated me, I am forgiving, him. He was young too and stupid, I am to forgive to forget. Forgive and forget, they say and yet, one seems to forgive and forget to forget. I shant be bound by shackles anymore, the world is my oyster, and by golly, its time to take the pearl!
-kisses (and mayhap a hug or two)
Who else can release your superstitions, but you?
Why is it we shy away from risks, especially since the reward would be worthwhile?
Why do we let fear be the judge of the courses of action we take in life?
I am afraid, and I am saddned. I have let fear, superstitions and insecurities rule for too long, and its about time, I release them. All I want, is to live a life without the painful grasps, that they can evoke, and at the same time, I was still ruled by them. Makes no sense, does it. I have let go some of the most significant things and people because of fear, and am learning the loss as a result. The pain, so swift, so piercing, not realising the unsoundness of my decisions, of my rationalisations. Why do we try to rationalise with our heads, and not our hearts?
Is it for fear of being hurt? Of course. But the sad reminder, is that one can't chart a course for life, planning to circumvent hurt, if it comes, it will come, and if it doesn't, deem yourself lucky and keep living. Don't get lost in wondering why. Rejoice. ..you escaped it!
I had planned from earlier on in life, not to bow in reverence to Fate. Not to give up, and just accept life's consequences, to instead , forge my own reality, my own fate, my own destiny. But the fear of failure, still haunted, eventually, I will have to let that go too.
I have to make myself belive that , happiness, is not only reserved for the heroes and heroines in novels, but can be an attainable reality, for anyone. I am not being overly optimistic, but for too long, I believed, I wasn't worthy of happiness, why, who knows, maybe my insecurities were too all-consuming. I do blame an early relationship, on how I feel about myself, even though it was a zillion years ago. Even though, the person, was and is, in no way, attached to me anymore, I still believe that part of myself, is embedded in the pain that I endured then. That I grew into my own woman from it, and unfortunatlely remained shackled to the self-doubt and hatred I had at myself, for subjecting myself to that.
It wasn't my fault, he was abusive, and I was too young, and vulnerable and someone, he, took advantage of that. I am human, and that in itself, makes me worthy of life, and living it. I guess I have to forgive, to release the shackles of doubt, and fear. Fear that no one would find me worthwhile. He used to tell me I wasn't worthy of others, and I belived him. But I am. God loves me, my parents love me, and friends love me. That is enough knowledge to be worthy, and let go of that fear, and to forgive. I am not forgiving what he did or said or how he treated me, I am forgiving, him. He was young too and stupid, I am to forgive to forget. Forgive and forget, they say and yet, one seems to forgive and forget to forget. I shant be bound by shackles anymore, the world is my oyster, and by golly, its time to take the pearl!
-kisses (and mayhap a hug or two)
